By AtoTheBean
Summary:
Cleaving: to cling (to), to remain faithful (to)
Cleaving: to part or split, especially along a natural line of division.
Or if I’ve taken so long updating that you don’t remember the story, you can start at the beginning.
“So you used to come up here?” Chris asked quietly, sensing the peace that had descended on Zach.
“Yeah. To smoke, mostly,” he added guiltily. “But also sometimes when I needed… I don’t know. Perspective, maybe. You can see so far, and sometimes when you’re always in rehearsal rooms and libraries and dorms and backstage, you forget that there’s a whole world out there. I would come up here and just wonder about the future. I was fairly confident, by the time I was a year or two into the program, that I’d have some kind of career in acting. I never really imagined movies, but plays, maybe television. I could see that. But I was really insecure about everything else. Whether I’d ever really come out. Whether I’d find love, or even people who really accepted me. A family was actually beyond my imagination back then, I think.” He paused for a moment as Chris ran his hands along Zach’s arms, squeezing. Zach kissed his cheek and held him tighter. “What we have… everything…even with my career back-burnered at the moment. If I told my 1997-self what I have now, I don’t think he’d believe me.”
From Cleaving, Chapter 7…
“It’s really lucky we don’t live in the age of film, because you would have had to change rolls three times already, and this is just our first stop,” Zach teased, fond amusement warming his tone. “Should have brought my book…”
And for that Chris turned the large lens on Zach and snapped a too-close-picture that probably included half his nose and one eye, out of focus.
“See, that right there? That would have been a total waste of film. At least with digital you can just take as many as you want and delete the mistakes.”
“I never delete pictures of you. You know that. Remember last Christmas?”
Zach huffed a laugh, because he did remember last Christmas. And besides the numerous disastrous pictures they took with Nathan and a variety of Santas, there was also a series of pictures Chris had taken in bed Christmas morning, Zach sleep ruffled and bleary and shirtless and not always in focus because they were too close for the lens. But Chris had kept every one.
“Better use the thick socks,” Zach suggested. “We’ll be outside a bit. In fact, bring extras.”
Chris grabbed two pairs with a raised eyebrow. “You going to let me know what our itinerary is for the day?” Zach was glad to see Chris was dressing in layers, preparing for anything.
“Nope. It’s all a surprise.”
“But we are going to Carnegie Mellon.”
Zach smiled, pleased that Chris was so adamant about seeing his alma mater. “Yeah, we’ll get to CMU, but not until later this afternoon. There are a few things I want to show you in town, first. And you’ll want the good camera. There’s some great architecture. I’m going to have to bring a book or something, because you’re going to get all engrossed.”
Chris gave him a crinkle-eyed grin that made Zach’s heart skip a little. And made him smile in a way he knew looked a little goofy and a little shy. Which, considering what they’d been up to the last 12 hours, was patently ridiculous. Chris’ grin grew wider.
“Let’s get some food in you. You’re going to need stamina.” He started toward the door, but Chris stopped him as he passed with a hand on his hip, pulling him into an embrace and a sweet kiss that lasted long enough to make him sigh.
“I love you,” Chris whispered against his lips.
“Because I offered food?”
Chris snorted a laugh, and it felt good to have Zach’s teasing interpreted correctly, without the awkwardness or hurt feelings that had been coloring everything lately.
“No. Though if you tell me we can have the rest of the tiramisu for breakfast, I might love you even more.”
I also wrote 1500 words so far today, putting this chapter of Cleaving at 6k so far, and still several scenes to go. I could split it, but then there’d be basically no plot in the next chapter. Hmmm. I think it’s just going to be a long one.
that’s weird. I never thought of Zach as weak, just that he was coping in a very internalizing way, which is something I DEF identify with. I think some people, esp those of us who deal with abandonment issues, tend to just buckle down try to get through hard things because counting on someone else is both unexpected and terrifying. That’s likely why Bleary appeals to me personally so much.
Thanks, Suede. I certainly never meant to portray him as weak (quite the contrary). But if you look at the comments on that chapter, a lot of people read it as Chris saving the day and Zach being soft and sort of needing rescuing. I’m hoping by the time the multi-chapter arc was over, people didn’t see it that way, but the fact that some readers had that interpretation showed me that my intent and what was “on the page” so to speak didn’t quite match up. Your read is much more of what I intended, but it wasn’t universal. Which I guess I can’t expect. But still, I love Bleary!Zach and he’s not weak, so I was unhappy I wrote him in a way that he could be seen that way.
wow. I’m loving reading this. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Thanks to @plaid-queen for the excellent asks! I’m glad you enjoyed the answers. They were interesting questions to ponder.
Thank you for the asks <3.
9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic? Like, where Miles comes to his senses and begs Zach to come back after a week in LA and he does and Chris just throws himself into his work, becomes increasingly cynical, remembers those two crazy weeks in the hotel suite in Pittsburgh with fond regret, and sends “cool uncle” gifts to Nathan for the rest of his life? No. Nothing like that. There are a few scenes that started out differently than they ended up, but that was mostly minor tweaking of voices or explanations during arguments. And there have been a few scenes I had to abandon, like the deleted scene from “Walk Through The Park”, which I loved writing but decided was just indulgent on my part and messed with the pacing of the story. And normally I’m super indulgent (this is a hobby for me, and so if it’s not fun I really can’t be bothered), so if it was so indulgent that even I thought it should be cut…well you can see where I’m going with this.
12: What do you like least about this fic? I think there are a few places where I was trying to show differences in how Chris and Zach dealt with stress, but it came out looking like Zach was weak or needy or uncertain and Chris was strong or maybe too aggressive in his independence. One time is when Zach comes into Chris’ business meeting And Chris reacts not just with gratitude but with a bit of frustration and anger at not being in on the plan. I got some criticism for that, though I still think Chris’ reaction was reasonable. The other was when Nathan got sick, and Zach coped by just really focusing on him, and Chris coped by staying busy doing things and not thinking about the scariest potential outcomes until it was over. People interpreted that as Zach being weak, and really, I think facing those fears as it’s happening is also strong, just different. I never meant to make Zach look weak, but I must have because so many people interpreted it that way. I just think people can deal with crises in different ways, and wanted to show that the boys were complementary, not that one was better than the other. I’m not sure what it would take to fix it, but if I were ever to go back and revise, those would be the places.
14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic? That sounds sort of premeditated… I don’t really see it as my job to teach readers, but I will say that there were themes I was exploring, that readers might explore them with me. In Bleary, it’s really the idea that little choices can have major outcomes in your life, and it’s not always bad (i.e. your mistakes don’t necessarily “ruin” your life). I don’t believe in fate, and I definitely don’t believe that everything happens for a reason (unless you count physics), but I do believe that there are lots of ways to be happy, if you embrace the stochastic events and look for the things that bring you joy (i.e. “surf that wave”). Zach might not be where he expected to be at the beginning of the story, but he’s genuinely happy with where he is. As is Chris.
In Cleaving, I’m really exploring the idea that even in basically good relationships, misunderstandings and resentments build up. We are all busy people with complicated lives trying to balance the personal and professional challenges and responsibilities. It’s easy to just “take care of business” (whether that be professional or life overhead) and forget to check in with your partner. And once those resentments and assumptions built up, you sort of have a choice of working your way back through compassion and communication and seeing if there’s still something there worth keeping, or clinging to the resentments and throwing in the towel. Falling in love is not much of a choice, but staying in love really is. This from someone who’s been with my partner for 24 years. We all make mistakes and get caught up in our lives and are neglectful or say things our partners take in ways we never intended because of whatever other stresses are happening in their lives. Those things are real, and when it becomes all there is, they can be fatal to the relationship. But sometimes by being mindful and trying to see what your partner is dealing with and focusing on what you loved about each other in the first place and making time for each other, you can go from “you and me against each other” back to “you and me against the world.” And sometimes, once you see the full context, it’s easy to let those resentments go and the relationship is stronger for the experience. So yeah, that’s all a little heavy for a “Christmas fic” but that’s what I’m looking at there. I’ve gotten at least a few comments indicating that the readers are seeing it and appreciative, and so that’s been just wonderful.
More from Cleaving Chapter 7
“I regret nothing. Last night was fantastic. It felt so good to be with you again. If I blush around your mom for a few days, it’s all worth it.”
Zach couldn’t help but respond with a sweet kiss that turned inviting and then heated. And now when he moaned, Chris didn’t hold back at all. Fuck it felt absolutely decadent to have a day to themselves where they could just savor each other. And part of him wanted to take Chris apart right there, but then again, no need to hide behind locked doors.
“Come on,” he whispered. “Let’s go take a shower. There’s no drought, and no one to walk in on us.”
Chris didn’t even answer. He just smiled and grabbed the bottle of lube and walked — a little stiffly, Zach noted with a smile — naked across the hall, giving Zach a gorgeous view. He followed Chris, unable to keep his hands to himself, kissing him languidly as the water warmed. Once the room started filling with steam, they opened the glass door and moved under the water, rotating first so Zach was under the water, then Chris, and finally ending up with Zach pressed against the wall and Chris on his knees and fucking christ it was even better than last night. Chris had two fingers in him, and was swallowing him down with such enthusiasm he was repeatedly hitting the back of Chris’ throat. He was far too close to losing it, and that’s not what he wanted this morning.
“Come here,” he said too softly, tugging at Chris’ hair to make the mind-blowing mouth stop for just a second. Chris looked up, question in his eyes.
“I want you.”
Zach woke to a bright, warm room and a naked Christopher sprawled over him and half the covers gone because someone had overheated and kicked them all off and—
And the sound of the turning door handle, holy shit. He jerked his head up and met Chris’ with a thunk and a pain in his nose and flashes of Three Stooges scenes dancing in his stinging eyes. Chris was grabbing at the covers, but their legs were out and there was no way to hide that they were naked. His mind began searching for something to say to his son when the sound occurred again and he remembered the door was locked. He grasped Chris’ arm to still him and they both listened as a smal, toddler voice called out, “Daddy! Babbo! G’up!”
It was answered by a hushed voice on the other side of the door. “No, sweet boy. We’re going to let them sleep, remember. We’re going out.”
“Grumbles,” Nathan protested.
“We’ll get breakfast on the way to the church. A special breakfast. Daddy and Babbo will eat when they get up. Don’t worry about them. And we’re going to be gone all day,” she said just a little louder, before they heard her shuffle their son down the stairs.
Chris dropped his forehead onto Zach’s chest, shaking with relieved laughter. “Your mom is such an enabler,” he said, blushing wildly. “How loud was I last night?”
They had started out quiet, Zach was sure. But they had both gotten pretty deep into what they were doing and not particularly aware of their surroundings, the state of the bed and clothes scattered all over the room case in point.
“Probably best not to think of it,” Zach answered, pulling Chris back down on his chest.
“I’m going to have to get her some flowers or something before I can look her in the eye again.”
Zach chuckled and held him tighter. “I’m sure we can find something. Though I’m pretty sure she’s aware we have sex, so it probably isn’t necessary.” Truth was, after some of their discussions regarding Chris’ reluctance in wedding planning, his mom might have actually been pleased to hear a few sounds coming through the walls, though he hoped they’d kept it down for the most part. “Maybe she’s a heavy sleeper?” he added hopefully.
Chris groaned, burying his face in Zach’s chest again. After a
moment, though he was wrapping his arms around Zach and pressing kisses
into his skin. “I regret nothing.”
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